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Desperately Seeking Mr. Darcy
by Lisa Daily
How many of us immerse ourselves in a film or literary cocoon, overdosing on the perfect romantic heroes concocted in some writer's imagination when real men break our hearts? Answer: lots.
I was thinking about this while reading Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict, a book that is impossible to put down. It follows the story of a contemporary woman named Courtney Stone who idolizes Jane Austen, hopes for her own Mr. Darcy and uses the pages of Pride and Prejudice as a cure-all after every nasty breakup or disappointment.
One morning, however, Courtney finds herself transported back to Austen's 19th century time and has an awakening of sorts, one of those "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it" type realizations. And I was reminded of all the women I know who are holding out for their own Harlequin-styled fictional characters such as Mr. Darcy, Rhett Butler or Romeo Montague. Compelling characters who might not hold up so well under scutiny. Perhaps it's time for a wake-up call.
So, in the time-honored tradition of analyzing the flaws and feats of one's boyfriends or potential boyfriends, I think it's time to put our fictional romantic heroes to the test.
Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights
Heathcliff and Catherine share a passionate, all-encompassing love -- she marries someone else, and Heathcliff's obsession with her eventually destroys them and everyone around them. His horrible cruelty is only eclipsed by the tenderness in his love for Catherine.
Why We Love Him
He's passionate, he's a self-made man, and he goes to his grave having only loved one woman. Plus, he's dark and mysterious.
Why He's Not the Perfect Man
He's angry -- really angry -- and cruel. Heathcliff is passionate about Catherine until he dies, but he destroys everyone around him, including the people she loves most. Sure it would be great to have someone love you so ardently but at what cost? Is he a lover or a stalker?
Scott Haltzman, a Brown University psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of your Relationship by Doing Less, says salivating over Heathcliff, "suggests a passion for the brooding man with pent-up power and the wit and determination to make something of himself. She likes the vacuum of his soul, and wants to be the one to fill it; if she does, she gets a protector of herself, and a destroyer of others."
Haltzman says, "Dark and mysterious has a certain attraction but without lightness of being (on his part), life with this man is destined to be drudgery. You may believe that you have the special powers to bring out the 'teddy bear' within but you'll always be dealing with a grizzly." The bottom line? Don't mistake anger for passion.
Sam Baldwin, Sleepless in Seattle
Sam was madly in love with his wife, who died of cancer, and he and his young son Jonah are so overwhelmed with grief, they're barely making it through each day. He's a wonderful, sensitive father and hopelessly romantic. Annie hears Jonah and Sam on a call-in radio program one night, and feels certain that she and Sam were meant to be together. She writes to Sam. Jonah intercepts the letter and decides Annie should be with his father. When the two finally meet, he takes her hand, and it's "magic."
Why We Love Him
He's a great old-fashioned guy who pays for dinner and holds the door open. We know he's a great husband and a good father, he's handsome and he's funny. Most of all, his heart is an open book -- and you've got to love a man who can articulate his feelings.
Why He's Not the Perfect Man
He's a single father, which is always a challenge, and while his first marriage was great, it would be pretty tough as the new wife competing with a perfect dead wife who will never get old and never again nag him about picking up his socks and taking out the recycling. Do you really want to live with a ghost? Though, admittedly, happily married widows do tend to have good second marriages.
Haltzman says, "Here's a guy who's in touch with his feminine nature. Any woman could visualize being able to curl up with him in front of a fire and pour out the contents of her heart. But women are also looking for a man who can stand up to the loud neighbors and set limits on his bratty child. There are some things a man just needs to be a man about, and if you end up with this guy, you may be looking for it for the rest of your life." We women like to be the one to save him from his sadness, which might be OK if his dog dies, but is a pretty long-term gig if we're talking about being a wife.
Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
Mr. Darcy is unbelievably rich and quite handsome but Lizzie finds him arrogant and insulting. Through a series of events, Mr. Darcy falls in love with Lizzie, who believes he has not only thwarted her sister's best chance at true love but also treated a friend with cruelty. He later proves himself to be heroic in his love for her.
Why We Love Him
He's rich, he's handsome, he's unattainable and not only does he save Lizzie's sister from certain scandal, he does it anonymously. He is also revealed to be a thoroughly decent human being. And while Austen's novel is by far my favorite, anyone who's seen the 2005 film adaptation can't help but be won over when Mr. Darcy (played to perfection by Matthew Macfadyen) splutters out, "I lo.. I lo.. I love you."
Laurie Viera Rigler, author of Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict says, "Ultimately what makes Mr. Darcy attractive is that he has this big moment of self-realization."
Why He's Not the Perfect Man
He's arrogant and frequently rude. He's pretty full of himself with the whole "class structure" thing.
Haltzman says the downside of Mr. Darcy is that, "Even English gentlemen have to focus on other things in life besides wooing women. When he's fully focused on you, you're the only one in the world. When he's focused on other issues, you'll feel out in left-field."
Rhett Butler, Gone With the Wind
Scarlett and Rhett meet after she hurls a vase past his head at a barbeque -- talk about romantic. He falls in love with her on the spot, and continues to carry a torch for her through a war, a few poorly chosen husbands and her immature and dogged pursuit of a married man.
Why We Love Him
What's not to love about a dark, dashing man (Clark Gable!) who understands all of your flaws and patiently waits it out as you wade through multiple husbands, waltzes you out of widowhood and steals a horse to lead you out of a burning city? Plus, Rhett proposes to Scarlett in the parlor opposite her second husband's body because he couldn't stand to wait another minute.
Why He's Not the Perfect Man
Frankly, he doesn't give a damn. And the moment Scarlett decides she's actually in love with him is the moment he walks away. Lots of men love the chase, and they're happy to pursue you... until they catch you. The last thing you want is a guy who disappears into the mist the second you declare your true feelings.
Haltzman says a woman who long for a Rhett Butler type "wants a man who will overpower her, and absorb her concerns for her. He's the man for the woman who wants to be able to feel the full range of emotion, and not scare a guy away.
The danger? "Really, it's wonderful to feel like a man will take control of your concerns, but, after a while, it feels like, well, like there's A MAN TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE! Women didn't make it through the feminist revolution to have a man who will control her."
Romeo, Romeo and Juliet
Romeo falls in love with Juliet despite the fact that their two families are at war, and wins her over by reciting love poems under her balcony. They concoct an ill-fated plan to elope, which ends up with both of them dead.
Why We Love Him
He's instantly smitten, and willing to go against his family's wishes to be with Juliet. There's something appealing about a man who would risk everything just to be with you. Plus, he does have a way with words.
Why He's Not the Perfect Man
Do you really want to be with a guy who decides to take his own life at the first sign of trouble? A more mature man would have given Juliet a shake or two or at least tried a little CPR before offing himself.
Haltzman says women who are attracted to Romeo types are, "Women who want all romance all the time, and want to be the absolute center of a man's world -- a man who's willing to fight 'til the death for her."
The danger? "This kind of obsessive intensity can only last for a few years, and then you're just you, your own little planet, and not the center of his universe. It's better to wait for a guy who's a little older, has seen a bit more of the world and who's not ready to give his whole life to the first woman he falls in love with. Believe me, girl, you don't want that kind of responsibility."
There you have it folks: no man is perfect. Not even the imaginary ones.
Dating Expert Lisa Daily is the author of Fifteen Minutes of Shame and Stop Getting Dumped!